The abortion provider issues a solemn public statement on Friday, letting Americans across the country know that the crippling reduction in government funding would likely cause a chain reaction that would lead to thousands upon thousand of healthy, adorable babies being born into the world.

"It's important to let everyone know what's going to come from this," said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Jeannie Raye. "We were hoping to avoid this outcome, but we regret to inform the American people that this cut in funding due to Trump's 'Big Beautiful Bill' will, in all likelihood, result in large numbers of babies being born instead of murdered. It's a horrifying realization for all of us here."

Inside sources reported that Planned Parenthood leaders were worried that America would be unprepared for the onslaught of beautiful infants that would be produced in the wake of the spending bill's passing. "It is, indeed, a sad day," one source said. "We'd love to keep dismembering babies in their mothers' wombs, but without our federal funding, we're afraid that these lovable little human beings will instead be born alive. Who wants to live in a country like this?"

At publishing time, Planned Parenthood also warned that the thousands of births that would result from the loss of funding could result in stronger, more stable families led by parents who learn to live like responsible adults.