The America 250 Red, White, And Blue Execution Spectacular was scheduled for 1 P.M. on December 3 at Fort Hood, the very military base where Hasan carried out his cowardly terrorist attack and murdered 14 people in 2009. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth told the nation that he knew that a public live broadcast of an execution like this would require some serious hosting chops and that he would need to bring some real star power to the festivities.

"Ryan Seacrest is broadcasting royalty in this country," said Hegseth. "We all know he's a legend in live event television, including the Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve show he puts on every year. Trust me, folks, the Department of War does not cut corners and Ryan Seacrest will bring the star power and celebrity that an event like this really needs."

"We're already saving a lot of money by going with the firing squad, so we can spare no expense in bringing in Ryan Seacrest."

It is rumored that Seacrest may even bring in the giant wheel from Wheel of Fortune to host a live episode of the beloved game show with the crowd in the lead-up to the main event.

At publishing time, the Pentagon had rejected an appeal from Nidal Hasan that he be allowed to spin the wheel for a chance to save his life.