Even though Dr. Fauci announced his retirement from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases back in 2022, the world suspected that he was still up to something. Now at last, we know what it was saving the world by fortuitously working on a hantavirus vaccine.

"You wouldn't believe it, but I have been working on hantavirus this whole time," said Dr. Fauci as he was pulled out of retirement for one last viral epidemic. "I've been running experiments on how to make hantavirus even more deadly and contagious. But also, I've been patenting the only cure for it. What are the odds?"

Dr. Fauci then cackled maniacally for several minutes before screaming "I am the science!" and demanding people do a little dance he made up. "Stand on one foot," Dr. Fauci instructed reporters. "Now touch your nose. Now pat your head and rub your stomach simultaneously! Good! Good! Now you're getting it!"

At publishing time, Dr. Fauci had announced his retirement again and was last seen heading to his secret underground lair, which is believed to be under an active volcano.