Iran responded to Trump's fifth-to-last peace offer by firing drones at oil tankers, missiles at Kuwait, executing dissidents, and directing terrorist proxies to fire missiles into Saudi Arabia. In the aftermath, Trump solemnly cautioned the Iranians that they were now down to their fourth-to-last chance.

"Whoa. This is getting serious," said Iranian negotiator Hossein Rahimi. "Does that mean four more chances or five? I'm always confused by that expression. Eh, well. Whatever it is, we're going to go launch some rockets at a hospital. Let's do this. And death to America."

Though negotiators had expressed concern that Trump was running low on final warnings, the White House has assured that there were more in reserve. "We are prepared to open our strategic reserve of final warnings," said one official. "No one wants to get down to a third-to-last warning, which includes a strongly-worded letter. But President Trump isn't afraid to unleash it."

At publishing time, Trump had announced that Iran had agreed to fresh negotiations and so was now back to its fourth-and-a-half-to-last chance.